Long and Winding Road

Well, it's been a while since I've posted....mostly because I've been on the road between San Antonio/Midland/Dallas and then the reverse; and, because I was just too darn tired. I seem to be tired a lot lately...even my soul seems tired. I look in the mirror and suddenly I see this "little ole lady". Never felt like I was growing old (except for the aches & pains, but I could deal with that--aspirin is an amazing drug). Anyway, never minded that I was nearly 60 and never really felt like "nearly 60" as I imagined that should feel. Now suddenly I am just flat old in my soul...old and tired. It must be because Larry's not here to tell me every day how pretty I am, and how smart I am, and just generally keep my spirit refreshed.

You wonder what the hard part of this widder business is? That's it...the person you shared everything with, the person who was always there to pump you up, to defend you (even when you didn't need it!) is gone--literally, just "poof" and gone. There's nobody to tousle your hair while you're getting ready in the morning (so you have to comb it all over!), to tell you how beautiful you look when you walk out in the mornings all dressed and ready to meet the day, or to tell you that you're not fat....and show you all the really fat women (and there are a LOT of them in San Antonio, after all we are the 2nd fattest city in the nation!) and say "Now, Honey Bunches, THAT'S FAT--see, I told you you're not fat!" Nobody to come in at 11:00 at night and say "I think I'll go get a chocolate malt, you want one?" There's nobody to come in the office when you're on the computer and say "You need anything? Some tea or something?"

It isn't the living alone that is so awful....it's the 'being' alone. And you know you'll be alone for the rest of your life...however long that might be....