Widders' Heritage

You know, I was thinking tonight about all the women in my immediate family who have been "young" widders" (I think 59 1/2 is pretty darn young--but I'm the oldest in my family. Larry lived longer than either of our fathers or his grandfather or uncle). My Daddy's mother was widowed in her early 40's (penicillin would have remedied the problem, but it hadn't been invented yet), my mother was widowed at 53, my aunt at 42, my mother-in-law at 49, and me at 59-1/2. Even my step-greatgrandmother was widowed young (with 9 kids no less). Now that's quite a heritage of widders. I look at how they survived and handled widderhood and am astounded at the differences.

My step-greatgrandmother (Lydia John Jourdan Carver) continued to farm her rented land with the help of her kids...tough ole gal my Grandma Carver and looked great in pants!

My Daddy's mother (Leone Branton Thomasson) bought a new black car, lots of black dresses, sold all the land in the lower Rio Grande Valley (turned out to be a really dumb thing to do!) and bought a farm in Knox County near her brother....which my Daddy farmed for her for years. She got mad when my Daddy & Mother ran off and got married, 'cause she didn't want anybody to know she was old enough to have a son get married (and Daddy wasn't her oldest son!). She was looking for a new husband, you see! Well, she found one--mean as hell--and he didn't last long. She lived the rest of her life single until age 79.

Then there was my mother--my Daddy died on February 27, 1976, just as suddenly as my Larry did...only at least Daddy had a history of heart problems. My mother just "quit" on me on the 28th day of February. This woman who had been one of the most independent women I'd ever known, turned into a "babbling fool". She just couldn't go on without Daddy. Interesting, that what I remember as the stormiest marriage ever, turned into the best marriage in the world, according to Mother. There were only 2 people in the world who could "control" my mother, my Daddy and my mother's mother. There was no reasoning with her after they were gone! She got meaner, more controlling and nuttier as time went on. She died a bitter woman at age 71.

Then there was my Aunt Jeri, who truly could go "bear hunting with a switch"! Her husband died at 54, just as suddenly as the rest of them. Aunt Jeri was widowed at 43. She'd have been fine if it hadn't been for my mother...who dealt her just as much hell as she always dealt me. Aunt Jeri sold their business in Los Angeles and moved back to Sudan. First mistake was ever stopping in Sudan!!!! She was dating a guy from Clovis--nice guy, I liked him! Mother threw such a hissy fit that Aunt Jeri stopped dating him and never dated again! What an absolute waste! My Aunt Jeri died at 75--a widow for 32 years.

Then there's my mother-in-law. Charlotte was widowed in 1979 at 49. Yes, suddenly, just like the rest of us. Woke up Memorial Day morning, went to wake R. V. up and he was gone. Thank goodness Larry was home on leave and got to spend time with his Daddy!

Anyway, Charlotte told Larry (as Larry told it) that she had to create a new life for herself, without R. V. or she would die herself. What a smart lady! (That's where my Mother missed the boat!) When I became friends with Charlotte (before I met Larry), she had created that new life...not that she forgot R. V.; she didn't--he was the love of her life! And I think for the most part, she's had a happy life--though she never married again. My thoughts are that she just never found anybody (though she dated a good bit) who compared to R. V.--and why settle for less. She's still trucking along at age 79, in spite of the blows life has dealt her.

I look at these women--from whom I come--and am astounded at the similarities our lives have taken...all widowed young; but handled widowhood very differently. My Grandma Carver had to keep working the land to survive. She still had kids at home to raise and little money to do it with. My Grandma Leone had money from the sale of their land, had an income producing farm and somebody (Daddy) to farm it for her. My Mother had enough money to get by on and had land and somebody to rent it. My Aunt Jeri had money (a lot for the times) and land and someone to rent it (shame she ever stopped in Sudan). Charlotte had very little money left, a business to sell (not for a ton of money, but some) and a good job--and the smarts to increase her position in life and fund a retirement. Not to mention the smarts to realize that her life had to change.

So, which one do I emulate? From which do I take examples of what to do with my life? Perhaps I need a little of all of them! Well, maybe not Mother--cause she failed miserably at life and widderhood--and made the rest of us miserable in the process. But, my Grandma Carver had a strong work ethic, and lived a long, good life with strong, honest, hardworking kids as her legacy. My Grandma Leone (after divorce from #2) was independent, strong, worked hard, managed her money well and still had a little left when she died for her boys. Aunt Jeri knew what to do, but unfortunately she listened to her 'big sister' (my mother) and it was not until my mother died that Aunt Jeri returned to her independent self--there just wasn't enough time left for her to reclaim her life.

Then there's Charlotte--who tells me on a regular basis "you'll make it through this, I did and I'll help you!" She is my constant source of inspiration and solace. I know that she is as heartbroken as I am (if not more), after all, Larry was her only child...and one is not supposed to outlive one's children. Yet she remains strong and determined. She seems to have a "she & I" against the world attitude. She's had hip surgery since Larry died; we've kept the road hot between San Antonio/Midland/Dallas/Midland/San Antonio for the last 6 weeks...and still she has a wonderful attitude. She's been my friend for 30 years (at least), longer than I knew Larry, for that matter; and we are even closer now. She truly understands what widderhood is like and how truly lost I am without Larry; and she is a constant ray of hope and sunshine in my life. She understands how I loved her son and how he loved me! And she props me up when I think I can't take another step--when I am so tired I think I can't go any farther. I don't know how she does it when her own heart is broken--but she does.

Charlotte is the heritage I look to for guidance. She is strong beyond belief. She knows somehow when I need to cry and when I need to laugh. Most importantly, she is the heritage that says to me "don't worry, you'll make it--and I'll help you!"