Someday is NOW!

You know, we all know that we will die someday. Couples in which one or both partners are warriors are forced to consider death early in their marriages. When you're married to a tactical jet pilot, you face it every day your spouse goes off to fly...war or no war, what goes up must come down--it's just the degree of control in the crash that matters. But it's always a "someday" kind of thing. Then after retirement comes, it's not as omnipresent and you don't think about it as much. You talk about it some, but not all that much! Then one day BANG! and it's NOW. Life comes to an end and the spouse that's left has to go on alone.

Who would think that something as simple as buying a new computer for the office would be another step toward removing Larry from my life? I'd have never thought it! But on the way home from the computer store tonight, it dawned on me that I now had 1 more computer than I actually needed. Larry can't very well compute from where he is! And I can't imagine that Larry's heaven is full of laptops--he wasn't all that thrilled with them down here! I began to picture his desk and chair in our home office...soon his computer will be gone, there won't be much use for his chair, as I can't sit in two at a time. So the computer desk might as well go...don't need it either. He's not ever going to come in and "compute" with me! A time we actually enjoyed spending together...as he used me for his own personal dictionary and computer instructor!

So, what to do with Larry's computer...fortunately, he didn't have a lot on it, so it won't be hard to wipe...except for the actual doing it! You see, it seems to me that is one more step to wiping him out of my life! And I don't want him out of my life! I want him right here...but this is one time I'm not going to get what I want!

I have to remind myself sometimes that it's over...that he's gone...that it really happened...that life as I've known it for the last 25 years...a life that pretty much revolved around Larry...is over. You see, til something like a new computer--actually it's getting rid of the old one--pops up, I can almost forget! I can go through the motions of life everyday and it's not just awful! It's like he's gone on cruise, or in bed asleep! Then something simple pops up and there it is, slapping me in the face! I guess if it slaps me enough, I'll come to--and realize that my 'someday' is now!