Nightmare? Premonition? Reality!

For several months before Larry passed on, (over, or whatever you call it....dead seems too stark and would imply there is nothing more!), anyway, for several months before Larry passed on, I had this recurring dream about him running off and leaving me with one of his old girlfriends from North Carolina. In the dream, he had run off with Jeannine (my main "competition" when we started dating!) and I would be trying to call him, or looking for him. It was an awful dream....I couldn't find him anywhere, they were staying at her place and no one would tell me where it was, he wouldn't answer his phone. Finally I found their place but could never catch them there! When I finally did catch up to him, he was in his Dad's red & white chevy pickup and wouldn't roll down the window and talk to me! I'd wake up so upset that I was nearly in tears!

I'd tell Larry about it the next morning and how it upset me....he'd tell me I was an being foolish; and that he wasn't running off and leaving me with or without anybody else...that he would never, ever leave me...and that if he'd wanted to run off with Jeannine, he'd have done it 25 years ago before he married me! He thought it was oh so funny! I thought the mere idea of him being gone was terrifying. But, since my grandmother always said take your dreams in reverse, I decided I was just being foolish and he wasn't going anywhere! That is, until I would dream it again...and then we went through the whole process again!

Well, today I had the same dream...only I didn't see Jeannine. But he had left me and I couldn't find him. I was trying and trying to call him. I called and called and called, but he didn't answer. Seemed like it went on for days to me....though I know the dream was only seconds, maybe minutes, long. All of a sudden in the dream it dawned on me that he was really gone and wasn't ever going to talk to me again or come back. That's when I woke up--nearly hysterical!

All the books on grief tell you that dreams of your departed loved one will probably happen. So I'm not surprised at dreaming about him. I am surprised to have this same, recurring dream in a slightly different format.

I've always believed in premonitions in dreams. The night before my Daddy died I saw him on the gurney at St. Paul's Hospital in Dallas being rolled down to surgery to stop his heart and try to start it again (to try to stop the atrial fibulations after open heart surgery) and he was waiving goodbye to me. That was exactly what he had done in 1970 when it really happened--you see they told us all that might not survive. That night I also dreamed of him in his coffin. He was all dressed up in his good black suit in his silver coffin (matched his hair). The next morning at 9:00 my boss came in and told me my Daddy was dead.

So were all these happenings just nightmares? Were they premonitions of what was coming? Were they visions of what was to soon be my reality? Was Larry's subconscious trying to tell me "to get ready, he was going to leave"? Was it some external force trying to warn me? Was it the "inner knowing of all things" that I believe we all have deep inside us trying to warn me? Was it God? Maybe an angel?

I have no clue....but I will tell you that it was real when I dreamt it in these past months--and was certainly real this afternoon. Now it is my awful, awful reality!