Widow or Widder?

Everybody knows that in the South 'widow' is actually pronounced 'wid-der'. And I'm from the South, so that seemed only natural. The other reason is that 'widow' sounds too stark, hurtful, and sterile. So here I am, a Widder and that's with a great big capital W. And that 3rd reason is because "Widows Web" was already taken!

I've been trying to figure out, for 2 months now, how to navigate my way through this mess my life is suddenly in--Widowhood. I've read up on grief, and I'm sure I'm in some stage, cause afterall my 59 year old husband of 22 years is most definitely dead. I found him in his chair right where I'd left him 3 minutes earlier, perfectly healthy and watching TV...and believe me he was definitely gone! I saw him all dressed in his Dress Blues in that box; and I saw the box at the cemetery. I saw the planes fly over and finally I heard that young sailor play Taps and I watched the young lieutenant and a young sailor try to fold his flag (boy did they need practice!)...so I know it's true, he really is dead! You know, 'perfectly healthy' isn't supposed to equal dead....but I learned that sometimes health doesn't much matter.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand...I am now 'the Widder Hall'. Sounds as strange to my ears as 'Mrs. Hall' did when I first married! It's much less joyful however...much less. I finally decided I'd blog a bit and see if it helped me make my way through this maze. If anybody reads it, maybe it will help them too--though we all grieve at different paces.

So now that you know why "Widder" instead of widow, we'll see how this goes along. Feel free to comment if you choose. But, please, none of this 'keep your chin up', "it'll get better", "time helps" stuff! I know you mean to help--and it may all be true--but right now I could care less about where my chin is, it certainly doesn't seem like it will ever get better, and so far time has only made it worse!