There is little to be said for Christmas when one's entire family, with the exception of one's mother-in-law and one's self, now reside in the cemetery.
No matter how much you smile, no matter how many "Merry Christmases" you wish, no matter how many times you say "Oh, I'm fine!" and no matter how many times you say "Oh, if I just keep faking it, I'll make it!"--it doesn't make any of it so!!!
You don't care whether anybody else's Christmas is merry or not...cause yours is a pile of crap. And you're not fine! You may not be a blubbering, simpering fool--but you're certainly NOT fine! And the cheery smile and well wishes (i.e., faking it) aren't going to help you make it!!! Nothing but hanging on by the sheer force of your amazingly strong will is going to allow you to make it.
The wind is blowing a gale outside, and the chill factor is 20 degrees. That translates into no poinsettias on at the cemetery--cause I'm afraid I'd freeze right before I blew off the ladder and shatter into a million pieces...oh well, don't guess they know the difference anyway.
Tonight it will be put on the "happy face" and go to Karen's for presents and cheer....now I could care less about presents and am certainly not cheery! But that's what "we" always do--well hell, doesn't anybody but me remember there isn't a "we" anymore??
Ah, but it's Christmas, and I shouldn't ruin everybody else's good time, just because my life is full of crap...so here comes the makeup, the christmas clothes and the "being of good cheer".
Wish me luck!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Someday is NOW!
You know, we all know that we will die someday. Couples in which one or both partners are warriors are forced to consider death early in their marriages. When you're married to a tactical jet pilot, you face it every day your spouse goes off to fly...war or no war, what goes up must come down--it's just the degree of control in the crash that matters. But it's always a "someday" kind of thing. Then after retirement comes, it's not as omnipresent and you don't think about it as much. You talk about it some, but not all that much! Then one day BANG! and it's NOW. Life comes to an end and the spouse that's left has to go on alone.
Who would think that something as simple as buying a new computer for the office would be another step toward removing Larry from my life? I'd have never thought it! But on the way home from the computer store tonight, it dawned on me that I now had 1 more computer than I actually needed. Larry can't very well compute from where he is! And I can't imagine that Larry's heaven is full of laptops--he wasn't all that thrilled with them down here! I began to picture his desk and chair in our home office...soon his computer will be gone, there won't be much use for his chair, as I can't sit in two at a time. So the computer desk might as well go...don't need it either. He's not ever going to come in and "compute" with me! A time we actually enjoyed spending together...as he used me for his own personal dictionary and computer instructor!
So, what to do with Larry's computer...fortunately, he didn't have a lot on it, so it won't be hard to wipe...except for the actual doing it! You see, it seems to me that is one more step to wiping him out of my life! And I don't want him out of my life! I want him right here...but this is one time I'm not going to get what I want!
I have to remind myself sometimes that it's over...that he's gone...that it really happened...that life as I've known it for the last 25 years...a life that pretty much revolved around Larry...is over. You see, til something like a new computer--actually it's getting rid of the old one--pops up, I can almost forget! I can go through the motions of life everyday and it's not just awful! It's like he's gone on cruise, or in bed asleep! Then something simple pops up and there it is, slapping me in the face! I guess if it slaps me enough, I'll come to--and realize that my 'someday' is now!
Who would think that something as simple as buying a new computer for the office would be another step toward removing Larry from my life? I'd have never thought it! But on the way home from the computer store tonight, it dawned on me that I now had 1 more computer than I actually needed. Larry can't very well compute from where he is! And I can't imagine that Larry's heaven is full of laptops--he wasn't all that thrilled with them down here! I began to picture his desk and chair in our home office...soon his computer will be gone, there won't be much use for his chair, as I can't sit in two at a time. So the computer desk might as well go...don't need it either. He's not ever going to come in and "compute" with me! A time we actually enjoyed spending together...as he used me for his own personal dictionary and computer instructor!
So, what to do with Larry's computer...fortunately, he didn't have a lot on it, so it won't be hard to wipe...except for the actual doing it! You see, it seems to me that is one more step to wiping him out of my life! And I don't want him out of my life! I want him right here...but this is one time I'm not going to get what I want!
I have to remind myself sometimes that it's over...that he's gone...that it really happened...that life as I've known it for the last 25 years...a life that pretty much revolved around Larry...is over. You see, til something like a new computer--actually it's getting rid of the old one--pops up, I can almost forget! I can go through the motions of life everyday and it's not just awful! It's like he's gone on cruise, or in bed asleep! Then something simple pops up and there it is, slapping me in the face! I guess if it slaps me enough, I'll come to--and realize that my 'someday' is now!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Things That Go Bump in the Night
So, I'm just about to fall asleep...dog is on the pillow on top of my head, and cat is snuggled in the crook of my knees (they're already sound asleep) when....you got it, something sounds like somebody (Larry?) bumped into it in the dark. Well now, you gotta remember that Larry wandered around in the dark a lot (so he wouldn't wake me up) and was always bumping into things (which of course, woke me up!). Besides, his balance was really bad and he never used a cane in the house.
So, my first thought is "oh god, what'd he run into now?" Closely followed by "No you fool, it can't be Larry, he's not here anymore." So brave little widder that I am, I rouse the dog and cat to be my "protectors" (dog weighs 7 lbs., cat 11 lbs.--like they could save me from anything larger than a mouse!). Anyway, I flip on the bathroom light so I can see, and off I go, dog and cat safely behind me, in search of what has "bone bump in the night". My Aunt Jeri's husband used to say she & I were too stupid to be afraid....and I think he may have been right about me! Anyway, off I go--no baseball bat (we don't have 1), no golf club (don't have one of those either), and no gun (we've got lots of those!)--just a toy poodle and an alley cat.
Well, none of the doors were broken in, all the windows were OK...so the house appeared to be empty except for my little trio. I still haven't decided if that was a relief or not....if it wasn't somebody in physical form....was it somebody in 'some other' form? (Larry? Aunt Jeri?) After all, Aunt Jeri's been pretty good about showing up when I least expect her (she died in 2001 in Larry's chair--apparently the best place to die in this house!) and hiding things from me...maybe she brought Larry with her this time? I know, I'm about 1/2 goofy!
Anyway, off in search of the "bump" I go....by this time the dog and cat couldn't be less interested in my safety and have gone back to bed. So I search room by room, and finally I get to my bathroom (where I first flipped on the light). And there, in the bath tub is the culprit! I'd left the handle to the bath tub scrubber leaning up against the side of the bath tub (inside the tub, which has a hollow bottom) and it had fallen over in the tub....making that "bumping" sound on the hollow bottom!
Now, Larry always took a bath, never a shower....so it could have been him...who knows? I turned out the light, moved the dog and cat over, and went back to sleep.
So, my first thought is "oh god, what'd he run into now?" Closely followed by "No you fool, it can't be Larry, he's not here anymore." So brave little widder that I am, I rouse the dog and cat to be my "protectors" (dog weighs 7 lbs., cat 11 lbs.--like they could save me from anything larger than a mouse!). Anyway, I flip on the bathroom light so I can see, and off I go, dog and cat safely behind me, in search of what has "bone bump in the night". My Aunt Jeri's husband used to say she & I were too stupid to be afraid....and I think he may have been right about me! Anyway, off I go--no baseball bat (we don't have 1), no golf club (don't have one of those either), and no gun (we've got lots of those!)--just a toy poodle and an alley cat.
Well, none of the doors were broken in, all the windows were OK...so the house appeared to be empty except for my little trio. I still haven't decided if that was a relief or not....if it wasn't somebody in physical form....was it somebody in 'some other' form? (Larry? Aunt Jeri?) After all, Aunt Jeri's been pretty good about showing up when I least expect her (she died in 2001 in Larry's chair--apparently the best place to die in this house!) and hiding things from me...maybe she brought Larry with her this time? I know, I'm about 1/2 goofy!
Anyway, off in search of the "bump" I go....by this time the dog and cat couldn't be less interested in my safety and have gone back to bed. So I search room by room, and finally I get to my bathroom (where I first flipped on the light). And there, in the bath tub is the culprit! I'd left the handle to the bath tub scrubber leaning up against the side of the bath tub (inside the tub, which has a hollow bottom) and it had fallen over in the tub....making that "bumping" sound on the hollow bottom!
Now, Larry always took a bath, never a shower....so it could have been him...who knows? I turned out the light, moved the dog and cat over, and went back to sleep.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Long and Winding Road
Well, it's been a while since I've posted....mostly because I've been on the road between San Antonio/Midland/Dallas and then the reverse; and, because I was just too darn tired. I seem to be tired a lot lately...even my soul seems tired. I look in the mirror and suddenly I see this "little ole lady". Never felt like I was growing old (except for the aches & pains, but I could deal with that--aspirin is an amazing drug). Anyway, never minded that I was nearly 60 and never really felt like "nearly 60" as I imagined that should feel. Now suddenly I am just flat old in my soul...old and tired. It must be because Larry's not here to tell me every day how pretty I am, and how smart I am, and just generally keep my spirit refreshed.
You wonder what the hard part of this widder business is? That's it...the person you shared everything with, the person who was always there to pump you up, to defend you (even when you didn't need it!) is gone--literally, just "poof" and gone. There's nobody to tousle your hair while you're getting ready in the morning (so you have to comb it all over!), to tell you how beautiful you look when you walk out in the mornings all dressed and ready to meet the day, or to tell you that you're not fat....and show you all the really fat women (and there are a LOT of them in San Antonio, after all we are the 2nd fattest city in the nation!) and say "Now, Honey Bunches, THAT'S FAT--see, I told you you're not fat!" Nobody to come in at 11:00 at night and say "I think I'll go get a chocolate malt, you want one?" There's nobody to come in the office when you're on the computer and say "You need anything? Some tea or something?"
It isn't the living alone that is so awful....it's the 'being' alone. And you know you'll be alone for the rest of your life...however long that might be....
You wonder what the hard part of this widder business is? That's it...the person you shared everything with, the person who was always there to pump you up, to defend you (even when you didn't need it!) is gone--literally, just "poof" and gone. There's nobody to tousle your hair while you're getting ready in the morning (so you have to comb it all over!), to tell you how beautiful you look when you walk out in the mornings all dressed and ready to meet the day, or to tell you that you're not fat....and show you all the really fat women (and there are a LOT of them in San Antonio, after all we are the 2nd fattest city in the nation!) and say "Now, Honey Bunches, THAT'S FAT--see, I told you you're not fat!" Nobody to come in at 11:00 at night and say "I think I'll go get a chocolate malt, you want one?" There's nobody to come in the office when you're on the computer and say "You need anything? Some tea or something?"
It isn't the living alone that is so awful....it's the 'being' alone. And you know you'll be alone for the rest of your life...however long that might be....
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