A New Year--A Fresh Start??

Well, New Years has come and gone--made it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown (well, maybe a little one. I did stay in bed for 2 days after Christmas--but just 2.) Even managed to put flowers out at the cemetery without too much bawling and squalling. Came home and closed a house New Years Eve and then went to friends'; New Years Day was OK...went to friends (different ones) and had blackeyed peas, champagne cabbage & pork sausage--so I'm fixed up for luck, wealth and strength. I was ready for the new year to give me a new start.

I shouldn't have been so optimistic! It has gotten worse by the day. Sleep eludes me...it's so darn cold that I had to get out my heating pad...I'm used to having Larry, who was always warm! And of course, our 23rd anniversary would have been January 17...next Sunday. Then it dawned on me that I'll be 60 in less than a month. (I wouldn't be thrilled about that even if Larry were here...but it wouldn't seem quite as awful!) Then there's valentines day. Larry always said I got my "gift getting occasions too close together"--Christmas in December, anniversary in January, birthday & valentines in February. He was right--only now that he's gone, it makes it really, really tough!

To top it all off, last Monday I went to probate court to probate Larry's will. A couple of days ago, the company that the funeral home assigned my insurance payment to hadn't been paid. Well, of course they haven't...I gave them 30 days to file their assignment and then filed on the life insurance policies. Duh! There goes that little "black cloud" again. Now I've got to write them a check...if it's not one thing then it's another!

Everybody keeps telling me that this will get better as time goes by! Time keeps going by...Wonder when the "getting better" part starts...so far it just gets worse by the day. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd run away or hide my head in the sand, or at least move to Costa Rica! But I know one of y'all out there would catch me and drag me back to reality.

So, I just keep getting up every morning, getting dressed and going out to face the world. I just keep thinking that if I just keep "faking a normal life" eventually I'll have one. Whatever normal is going to be....