Life's a Bitch....and then.....

Life is certainly a bitch. Just in case you didn't already know that, just thought I'd clue you in! It's the "and then...." part that's getting me lately.

As if losing Larry barely 5 months ago wasn't enough...the universe continues to dump right square on my head....either that, or there is a great big bird that keep flying circles right over my head...cause there seems to be no end to the poop that's landing on me. Yep, my friends...you are right...there is no end in sight!

It seems my friends that there is a 70% chance that I have breast cancer. We'll know after the biopsy tomorrow for sure...but the oncology surgeon doesn't tell you there's a 70% chance, except when he's pretty sure there's a 100% chance. After all, this isn't his first rodeo....even if it is mine! Like I said, the universe is dumping.....

Now I know your first thought was "oh poor thing...and she's all by herself". Well, the poor thing part is right...after all anybody who hears the "C" word is a poor thing, cause nobody would wish that on their worst enemy! But the "all by herself" part is wrong...I've got more friends and offers for help that there are monkeys in a barrel! However, I don't have Larry, and maybe that's a good thing.

You see, Larry was pretty useless when I got sick...or when his mother was sick! He would nearly kill us trying to take care of us. And I'm pretty sure that the "C" word would have driven him right off the edge and in turn he would have driven me right off the edge...nope, make that plumb over the edge. I finally understand one of the reasons god took him on ahead of me...Larry could not have coped with me having cancer. Bless his heart, he wouldn't have known what to do or how to act. He would have tried to be strong, and he would have tried to say all the right things. But he would have been terrified...something that I'm not...terrified that is! But every night now, when I go to bed right before I fall asleep, I say "Larry, promise me you'll be there to bring me across when it's my turn." And now I know why he went first...to make the way easier for me when it's my turn.

Not that I plan on it being my turn anytime in the immediate future, you understand. But I'll tell you, when somebody tells you you have cancer, and I don't care if it's 'stage 0' or 'stage 4'...you realize that your turn is coming--sooner or later....but it's coming. And when you're 60 years old, you know it's not going to be 50 years from now! You learn in a big hurry that you are not immortal and that sooner rather than later, your number is coming up!

While I am in no rush to cross over (though I would like to see Larry & the rest of my family), I understand that my day is approaching...however measured or slow. And interestingly enough, while I'd rather it weren't today, I find that I am not afraid. It seems that the more of your loved ones who are on the other side, the less afraid and more anxious you are to join them. That doesn't mean you want to give up life, or that you would do anything to rush across. It does mean that whatever happens, it's OK.

I experience daily something that most of you will never know...that of being "the last one left standing". Yes, I am the last of all my family left alive. My grandparents are gone (all 4), my mother and daddy are gone, my aunt Jeri is gone, Larry is gone...and it's only me left standing. Larry's mom is here, but it's just she and I...and while I love her dearly, it's different. It's just me...I'm the last one left.

They tell me I have a 90% chance of survival (i.e. cure rate) and that is a wonderful thing and I am grateful that we've apparently caught this thing in the very, very early stages. But while cancer is not the automatic death sentence it once was, it still gets your attention in a great big way! You have no doubt that wether you beat it or not, you are no longer under the illusion that you are immortal or that there is an unlimited amount of time left to you. But, folks, I've known since I was young that no matter how much time I was given on this earth, that it would never be enough! That I would never be "through". There would always be more to do, more to learn and more to experience. So, know that I am not afraid and at the same time, I will do what I have always done...just keep on keeping on!

Widderhood ain't for sissies....and neither is cancer.

The Last One Standing!

Guess you've noticed I haven't been around this month. Well, don't think it's because my life has gotten so joyous that I have nothing to say! Not so! It's been a long, long month.

You'll remember that January 17 was what would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary...oh that was just a barrel of fun...NOT! (I "celebrated" by putting yellow roses out for Larry at the cemetery--a real blast if ever there was one!) Then 3 weeks later on February 9 I turned 60 years old...another barrel of fun...NOT! Though my "Red Hat" friends did give me a great party and I now have a new red lawn chair! Then of course there was Valentine's Day on February 14...another barrel of fun, though not as big a barrel. (Valentine's has always been rather anti-climactic to me. Guess because it's so close to my birthday.)

Then on the February 19 I left for New Orleans for the Keller Williams international convention...Larry had wanted me to register him, but I'd told him we'd wait til closer and see if he felt like going...well, needless to say he didn't! Everything I do, everything I touch brings me back to Larry and the fact that he isn't here...even a business convention that he probably couldn't have gone to anyway (too much walking for him).

I've discovered that I don't really mind living alone or going places alone, or dining alone (all those things you think well be so bad)...though I do miss him being here when I come home. It is the being alone that I mind. My mind wanders to him at all hours of the day and night...I drive along and think of things we've done, I go places and I think how much he would have liked it, or of when we were there together! New Orleans was particularly hard, as last time we were there (1986) was the first time he'd ever been there. I hired a limo for the evening and we had an absolute blast! It always comes back to I'm all alone. No more of those wonderful times. It's all over and it is all the harder because, except for my precious mother-in-law, I'm the last one left standing.

There is no longer anyone who knows my "history"--no one who remembers my Aunt Jeri or my Mother & Daddy or my Mudgie...no one who is actually interested in my stories! (If Larry wasn't interested, at least he faked it well!) I always knew it would come to this somehow...but it never occurred to me that Larry would be gone too.

We hear people say that 'it will get better'. Well, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't. As time passes it gets harder! I just want to stand in the middle of the street and scream "This isn't how it's supposed to be! This isn't what I bargained for!" But it is how it is, whether I bargained for it or not. I will cope with this aloneness (is that really a word?) one day at a time...no, rather one minute, one second at a time--but it will never seem right...it will never be 'the way it was supposed to be'.

Widderhood ain't for sissies!

It's a Long Way to Tipperary

Now you do all realize that I have no idea where Tipperary is...someplace in Ireland I've always thought. Never bothered to look it up though....it always just seemed like it was a long, long ways away. Well, now I'm on my way to that place....somewhere that I don't know where is, but I do know it's a long way away.

I have my choice of directions to start off. Since I don't know where it is, does it matter what direction I go? Hmmm....interesting query. As I sit trying to plan my trip, I try to decide which way to go. Perhaps all roads are going to lead to Tipperary....for I cannot believe I won't find it. As with most who have no clue where they're going, I have great difficulty stepping out, but I do. Seems I get only a little way down the path before I come face to face with an insurmountable wall. No gate, too high to climb over, no end to go around. I have to turn around and go back to what seems like the beginning of the journey. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe it isn't the beginning.

Let me step back and look again where I am....sure enough, I'm not at the beginning; but, rather, have made it a few miles down the path. Now I look forward again, and the path seems clear--there's no wall in sight. The wall must have been imaginary--of my own making. Isn't it amazing how we set our own walls across our paths?

OK, now I've figured out that the path is clear, off I go again--on my way to Tipperary.

One More First--Done and Over!

Well, our 23rd wedding anniversary passed by last Sunday. Rather uneventfully. There were no longstem yellow roses, no dinner at Grey Moss Inn with Moet Chandon White Star champagne (yes, the whole bottle just for me! LOL). No mushy or funny cards....and most of all, no Larry. Instead it was dinner at Karen's with Leslie & Kyle & the kids. And nobody even mentioned that it would have been our 23rd anniversary. Guess they didn't want to "upset" me, or else they just forgot. An easy thing to forget...somebody else's anniversary.

There were yellow roses, but this time I did the giving...and they were silk bunches poked into the styrofoam in the little brass vase stuck in the little brass ring on his crypt--poked way down to try to keep the wind from blowing them away.

I go out to that cemetery and climb up on my step stool (yes, he's still 'so tall' that I need a step stool...he can't very well bend down to me anymore! [crypt is so high I can't touch it if I stand on the ground]); anyway, I get on my step stool and I reach up and touch that cold, cold granite, and my hand slides over the letters of his name--and it still doesn't seem real. I know it is, but it's all surreal. Like I'm in a dream (or nightmare, as the case may be.); or maybe a fog and it will lift any minute.

We're all there, Charlotte (his Mother), and Karen (who loved him nearly as much as I did) and me. The women in his life...I look at their faces and I see the sadness, but it still doesn't seem real. How can my wonderful 'widdle' husband (aka WWH) possibly have gone without me? It just can't be true, it just can't! If he'd just told me he was going, I'd have gone too. But he didn't so now here I am--all by myself, even in a crowd.

Alas, it is all too true. So, I put the flower vase back in it's little ring and climb down. I stand there at the base of the crypts and have a cigarette for him and then we go home...everybody but him. I wonder who will do this for him when I can't get up on a step stool anymore?

So much for wedding anniversaries...

A New Year--A Fresh Start??

Well, New Years has come and gone--made it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown (well, maybe a little one. I did stay in bed for 2 days after Christmas--but just 2.) Even managed to put flowers out at the cemetery without too much bawling and squalling. Came home and closed a house New Years Eve and then went to friends'; New Years Day was OK...went to friends (different ones) and had blackeyed peas, champagne cabbage & pork sausage--so I'm fixed up for luck, wealth and strength. I was ready for the new year to give me a new start.

I shouldn't have been so optimistic! It has gotten worse by the day. Sleep eludes me...it's so darn cold that I had to get out my heating pad...I'm used to having Larry, who was always warm! And of course, our 23rd anniversary would have been January 17...next Sunday. Then it dawned on me that I'll be 60 in less than a month. (I wouldn't be thrilled about that even if Larry were here...but it wouldn't seem quite as awful!) Then there's valentines day. Larry always said I got my "gift getting occasions too close together"--Christmas in December, anniversary in January, birthday & valentines in February. He was right--only now that he's gone, it makes it really, really tough!

To top it all off, last Monday I went to probate court to probate Larry's will. A couple of days ago, the company that the funeral home assigned my insurance payment to hadn't been paid. Well, of course they haven't...I gave them 30 days to file their assignment and then filed on the life insurance policies. Duh! There goes that little "black cloud" again. Now I've got to write them a check...if it's not one thing then it's another!

Everybody keeps telling me that this will get better as time goes by! Time keeps going by...Wonder when the "getting better" part starts...so far it just gets worse by the day. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd run away or hide my head in the sand, or at least move to Costa Rica! But I know one of y'all out there would catch me and drag me back to reality.

So, I just keep getting up every morning, getting dressed and going out to face the world. I just keep thinking that if I just keep "faking a normal life" eventually I'll have one. Whatever normal is going to be....