Life's a Bitch....and then.....

Life is certainly a bitch. Just in case you didn't already know that, just thought I'd clue you in! It's the "and then...." part that's getting me lately.

As if losing Larry barely 5 months ago wasn't enough...the universe continues to dump right square on my head....either that, or there is a great big bird that keep flying circles right over my head...cause there seems to be no end to the poop that's landing on me. Yep, my friends...you are right...there is no end in sight!

It seems my friends that there is a 70% chance that I have breast cancer. We'll know after the biopsy tomorrow for sure...but the oncology surgeon doesn't tell you there's a 70% chance, except when he's pretty sure there's a 100% chance. After all, this isn't his first rodeo....even if it is mine! Like I said, the universe is dumping.....

Now I know your first thought was "oh poor thing...and she's all by herself". Well, the poor thing part is right...after all anybody who hears the "C" word is a poor thing, cause nobody would wish that on their worst enemy! But the "all by herself" part is wrong...I've got more friends and offers for help that there are monkeys in a barrel! However, I don't have Larry, and maybe that's a good thing.

You see, Larry was pretty useless when I got sick...or when his mother was sick! He would nearly kill us trying to take care of us. And I'm pretty sure that the "C" word would have driven him right off the edge and in turn he would have driven me right off the edge...nope, make that plumb over the edge. I finally understand one of the reasons god took him on ahead of me...Larry could not have coped with me having cancer. Bless his heart, he wouldn't have known what to do or how to act. He would have tried to be strong, and he would have tried to say all the right things. But he would have been terrified...something that I'm not...terrified that is! But every night now, when I go to bed right before I fall asleep, I say "Larry, promise me you'll be there to bring me across when it's my turn." And now I know why he went first...to make the way easier for me when it's my turn.

Not that I plan on it being my turn anytime in the immediate future, you understand. But I'll tell you, when somebody tells you you have cancer, and I don't care if it's 'stage 0' or 'stage 4'...you realize that your turn is coming--sooner or later....but it's coming. And when you're 60 years old, you know it's not going to be 50 years from now! You learn in a big hurry that you are not immortal and that sooner rather than later, your number is coming up!

While I am in no rush to cross over (though I would like to see Larry & the rest of my family), I understand that my day is approaching...however measured or slow. And interestingly enough, while I'd rather it weren't today, I find that I am not afraid. It seems that the more of your loved ones who are on the other side, the less afraid and more anxious you are to join them. That doesn't mean you want to give up life, or that you would do anything to rush across. It does mean that whatever happens, it's OK.

I experience daily something that most of you will never know...that of being "the last one left standing". Yes, I am the last of all my family left alive. My grandparents are gone (all 4), my mother and daddy are gone, my aunt Jeri is gone, Larry is gone...and it's only me left standing. Larry's mom is here, but it's just she and I...and while I love her dearly, it's different. It's just me...I'm the last one left.

They tell me I have a 90% chance of survival (i.e. cure rate) and that is a wonderful thing and I am grateful that we've apparently caught this thing in the very, very early stages. But while cancer is not the automatic death sentence it once was, it still gets your attention in a great big way! You have no doubt that wether you beat it or not, you are no longer under the illusion that you are immortal or that there is an unlimited amount of time left to you. But, folks, I've known since I was young that no matter how much time I was given on this earth, that it would never be enough! That I would never be "through". There would always be more to do, more to learn and more to experience. So, know that I am not afraid and at the same time, I will do what I have always done...just keep on keeping on!

Widderhood ain't for sissies....and neither is cancer.